"If I was suddenly able to fly I would fly as much as I could. I would fly high and low. Maybe even fast and slow. Heck I would fly like I’m at Kings Dominion on an imaginary roller coaster. But my grandma would say in her starchy voice “ its not a talent it’s a gift. Not just a gift on Christmas or one you buy, it’s one you earn.” My sister thinks I’m cRaZy just because I try to keep it a secret. But I’m not, she is. I try to keep it a secret because I don’t want to have a mob of scientists chasing after me like a dog going after a treat. Believe me I’ve tried it once but, never again would I let my secret out.
If I could fly anywhere here’s what I would do… After I fly around doing loop de loops and all that fun I would fly to Richmond and show my cousin my cool tricks. She would be jealous . Although she can’t fly like me I still love her. Or if I found a lost child or dog, I would pick them up to go and drop them off at their home. If there is a poster of an animal or something lost I would find them and bring them home. For the summer I would be a life guard. It would be easy to save someone drowning with my powers. But at the end of the day I would go home. Maybe I would take a nap.
Some days I would do loop-de-loops as big as a sky scraper. Sometimes to have some fun I would dress up as a bird and make people say it’s a bird , it’s a plane , no it’s Superman. But really they were right the first time. Wait, I’m not a bird, I’m a human. Wait. Am I ?
My favorite part about flying would be helping people. When you do nice things for other people it makes you feel good. Also it might scare people less when they find out my secret about flying. Besides that I would probably fly to school. Then I would fly home from school and fly to Girl Scouts and horse back riding lessons and where ever I would want to go. I think flying would be much more fun than walking, riding a bike, running, or riding in a car.
If I were really good at flying I might be able to try out for flying competitions. If I was not the only flyer then I could race other people and see who could do the best loop-de-loop. Hopefully I could be the fastest flyer. That would make me very proud."
Well, I can definitely tell a young kid wrote it. It has a very child-like aspect to it. I did some very "cRaZy" things in this. Lets start out with the Pros.
- Correct usage of figurative language, which I was somewhat surprised considering I had no idea what that was at the time. (Paragraph one, sentence 4 & 9, Paragraph three, sentence 1)
- Good tone/ voice, you can tell what the writers [my] personality was like.
- Somewhat descriptive
- Used adequate vocabulary
- Very "cute" way of stating things
- That's deep ---> "But my grandma would say in her starchy voice “ its not a talent it’s a gift. Not just a gift on Christmas or one you buy, it’s one you earn.”
- Had a lot of confidence
- I liked the little rhyme in paragraph one
- "cRaZy" would not be acceptable
- ineffective repetition
- The word 'something' bothers me ---> "If there is a poster of an animal or something lost I would find them and bring them home."
- Sounds like I have ADD, switched from one topic to another quickly with no transition
- This also bugs me, and seems very ADD "Sometimes to have some fun I would dress up as a bird and make people say it’s a bird , it’s a plane , no it’s Superman. But really they were right the first time. Wait, I’m not a bird, I’m a human. Wait. Am I ?"
In conclusion, It wasn't the worst thing a fourth grader could write. In fact, it was very cute. My favorite sentence in this is "I try to keep it a secret because I don’t want to have a mob of scientists chasing after me like a dog going after a treat." I thought that the figurative language was very effective and sophisticated. I had quite a few errors in this piece, though they can be easily resolved.
I'm trying many new things for this blog, let me know what you think. I didn't realize until later that I have a writing SOL tomorrow, and this was a practice SOL writing type thing. What a coincidence! ASDFGHJKL, I hated reading this considering I'm a grammar nazi sometimes and I'm a tad OCD, but it was fun to look back. TTYL.